Happy Birthday Wanda June – by Kurt Vonnegut

MUSIC indicates happiness, innocence, and weightlessness.
Spotlight comes up on
JUNE, a lisping eight-year-old
in a starched party dress. She is as cute as Shirley Temple.

WANDA JUNE
Hello. I am Wanda June. Today was
going to be my birthday, but I was
hit by an ice-cream truck before I
could have my party. I am dead now.
I am in Heaven. That is why my
parents did not pick up the cake at
the bakery. I am not mad at the
ice-cream truck driver, even though
he was drunk when he hit me. It didn’t
hurt much. It wasn’t even as bad as the
sting of a bumblebee. I am really
happy here! It’s so much fun. I
am glad the driver was drunk. If
he hadn’t been, I might not have
got to Heaven for years and years
and years. I would have had to go
to high school first, and then
beauty college. I would have had
to get married and have babies and
everything. Now I can just play
and play and play. Any time I want
any pink cotton candy I can have
some. Everybody up here is happy–
the animals and the dead soldiers
and people who went to the electric
chair and everything. They’re all
glad for whatever sent them here.
Nobody is mad. We’re all too busy
playing shuffleboard. So if you
think of killing somebody, don’t
worry about it. Just go ahead and
do it. Whoever you do it to should
kiss you for doing it. The
soldiers up here just love the
shrapnel and the tanks and the
bayonets and the dum dums that let
them play shuffleboard all the
time–and drink beer.

Spotlight begins to dim and carnival music on a steam
calliope begins to intrude, until, at the end of the speech,
WANDA JUNE is drowned out and the stage is black.

WANDA JUNE
We have merry-go-rounds that don’t
cost anything to ride on. We have
Ferris wheels. We have Little
League and girls’ basketball.
There’s a drum and bugle corps
anybody can join. For people who
like golf, there is a par-three
golf course and a driving range,
with never any waiting. If you
just want to sit and loaf, why
that’s all right, too. Gourmet
specialties are cooked to your
order and served at any time of
night or day…